They Screw You At The Drive-Thru

I'm still trying to figure out what it is about drive‑thru windows that have made them so popular in this country. They are designed for our convenience but the opposite is more often the reality. First of all, most people have a hard time understanding the blast of garbled speech and static from the order box speaker. It's like trying to have a conversation with someone who's on a cell phone in the middle of a tornado. And why do they insist on making those things so loud? Sometimes you pull up to an order box and the volume is set about three decibels below the level required to shatter the human skull. Is that really necessary?

Who the heck is responsible for making these things anyway? By now don't you think they would be aware of the fact that their products are total pieces of crap? And what about the fast food chains that purchase these abominations ‑ don't they realize that these things are garbage?

The following is typical of the kinds of conversations that drive‑thru order boxes inspire:

Order box: "... Pssssssffffffttpopelickpsstfft...
Customer: " Hello?"
Attendant: "Welcome to Mc ... ppssssssfiffttpopclickh isssssssscracklepffft ... your order?"
Customer: "Yes, I'll have a #3, two medium..."
Attendant: "Did you want ... ppssssssfiffttpopclickh isss ... that?
Customer: "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
Attendant: "Did ... ppssssssfffttpopclickhisss ... with that?"
Customer: "Uh, ...two medium sodas and an apple pie."
Attendant: "...cracklepffftpssssssfffttpopclick ... else?"
Customer: "Hey, could you turn that thing down? You just ripped my eye out and blew my wife out the passenger window."
Attendant: "Did ....... cracklepffftpssssssfffttpopclick .. else?"
Customer: "Just the food, my wife, my eye, and some extra napkins please."
Attendant: "Your total comes to $8 ... cracklepffft. . . "

Once the customer is done paying and gets their food, they park the car and go inside to exchange the #6, large iced tea, and the fish nuggets that they didn't order for the #3, two medium sodas, and the apple pie that they did order.

I think all fast food corporate customer service executives should be forced to sit in a room with these things barking orders at them for a week straight. Then, when they finally understand what all those pesky customers are complaining about, we might start seeing some improvements.

Second is the fact that drive‑thru employees can never seem to get your order right the first time around. This is the really annoying part. In all honesty, how difficult can it be ‑ especially when the keyboard on the register is comprised mainly of pictures? How many times have you exited the drive‑thru only to find out later that you didn't get what you ordered? Come to think of it, every person I know has been a victim of a drive-thru, yet they still go back.

Recently my wife went to the drive‑thru at a local fast food joint. For the sake of argument we'll call it a McBurger Hut. When it was my wife's turn at the speaker she was forced to repeat her order three times due to an apparent language barrier between her and the attendant. You see, my wife spoke an actual language while the attendant, sadly, did not. All my wife wanted was two Chicken & Bacon club sandwiches. Pretty simple, right?

When we opened the bag at home it was immediately apparent that we had gotten screwed once again. What they gave us was two lettuce and tomato sandwiches. No condiments, no napkins, and no receipt. How exactly does someone confuse a Chicken & Bacon club sandwich with a lettuce and tomato sandwich ‑ especially when the later isn't even on the menu? Would you accept that level of risk with a visit to the hospital or a trip to the dentist?

"I'm sorry doctor, but I came in here for my tonsils and I got an amputated left foot & a side order of Staph infection instead."

Somehow I don't think free coupons for your next surgery are going to make up for a mistake like that!

There also appears to be a limit on just how much convenience is permitted per customer at a drive‑thru. Whenever my family gets together, at some point we decide that it's easier to send a runner to a fast food joint and pick up dinner for the group then it is to cook. When you keep in mind that there are 15 people in my immediate family, it's understandable why that may seem like a good idea. The problem is trying to order 36 cheeseburgers, 15 bags of fries, a dozen apple pies and as many milkshakes at a fast food drive‑thru. It always seems to invoke the same type of response; "You're gonna have to come inside for that, Sir.'' We even tried splitting the order in half and taking two cars, but apparently 18 cheeseburgers is still too much convenience for one vehicle. The drive-thru is supposed to afford a "convenient outlet for families on the run," but I guess that doesn't apply to families that are bigger than most major league baseball teams. Maybe I should sue on the grounds of 'convenience discrimination' with victory resulting in kinder treatment at the drive‑thru for roving bands of Irish Catholics in minivans. Don't laugh too hard ‑someone will do it eventually.