Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)


I absolutely love this movie. Say whatever you want about the cast, plot, or whatever but this one is going down on my list of all-time favorites. This film did for the Dukes of Hazzard T.V. show what the Brady Bunch movies did for that classic series. While the spoofing was more subtle in Dukes than it was in the Brady Bunch movies, I honestly believe that it was meant along the same lines.
With that said, the reason that I like this movie as much as I do is for the absolute purity of the stunt driving. You can literally turn off the volume and watch this flick based on the quality of the driving alone. In this era of CGI – which is so over-done these days – seeing a knock-down, drag-out balls to the wall stunt movie is an absolute refreshing change.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a stuntman. My mother planted the seed in my head one day when I was about 8 years old. I was playing in the yard when she came outside with a T.V. Guide magazine in her hand and told me that I would make a good stuntman. She handed me the magazine and pointed out an article about the stunt world that included tips on how to get into the business, as well as how some of the major Hollywood stunts were performed. A year later I was practicing my falls and staging fake fights with my brother Ken. The dream faded over the years, but my admiration for these “crazy” people never did – especially stunt drivers.
I loved movies like Smokey and the Bandit, Hooper, Bullitt, Ronin, and who could forget that scene with Gene Hackman in The French Connection driving like a mad-man under an elevated commuter train through Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. Movies like The Road Warrior and It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad World were just as amazing for their stunt work as well.
As far as The Dukes of Hazzard movie is concerned, the 1969 Dodge Charger R/T (a.k.a. the General Lee) is the real star of the film. When Dodge introduced the Charger in 1966 it was met with luke-warm acceptance. In 1968 the body style was revamped to the more familiar style, but it was the 1969 Charger – complete with a bulletproof Torqueflite 727 3 speed tranny and an optional 426 cubic inch, 425 H.P. Hemi – that elevated this vehicle to legendary status. This was one of the most powerful and beautiful cars ever built during the 1960’s muscle car era. It dominated the competition by regularly eating Mustangs, Chevelles, and Corvettes for lunch, and looked great doing it. Nothing on the road in its day could match it – nothing. For me, this is the iconic muscle car. Watching this car being thrown (literally) through the paces in the Dukes movie is the closest thing to vehicular pornography that I can imagine. Every time the tires spun launching that car into another chase scene the hairs on the back of my neck stood up like Marines at attention. The chase sequence through ‘Atlanta’ – especially the shot of the car driving sideways the entire way around the traffic circle – was pure art in motion. The stunt drivers (including the likes of Benjamin Mullens and Cord Newman) are absolutely insane, and it was they who made this movie great.
Like I said earlier, you don’t have to appreciate the rest of it if you don’t want to, but if you love fast cars and balls-out stunt driving, put this movie on, turn down the volume, put your favorite Heavy Metal play list on the MP3 player, and enjoy. You’ll be glad you did.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Jesus Returns: Holds Press Conference Asking Mankind To Stop Putting Words In His Mouth


Yeah, I know – I’m going to hell. I’m a blasphemer, etc, etc, yadda yadda, yadda.
Look, I don’t want to use this forum to discuss my religious beliefs, but I am getting a little sick and tired of religious people trying to dictate morality for everybody else. Anyone with enough money and support can open a church or ministry and interpret God’s laws, wills and actions in any fashion they please. They can preach whatever they want (you don’t have to like it, but the First Amendment gives them every right) to whomever they want. Of course, all this “sin” we’re all supposedly living in is drummed up constantly in order for these money-hungry phonies to justify their existence.
The only way I’m going to believe a word of what any religious group, philosophy, or doctrine says or professes to be God’s will is if Jesus comes back and holds a press conference to tell me directly. The same goes for Muhammad, Buddha, Krishna, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. I don’t take anything on faith – if you want or expect something from me, then you had better tell me yourself because all this ‘telephone’ and ‘grapevine’ hand-me-down information is ridiculous to the point of the extreme. Too many cooks spoil the meal – and clog up the kitchen.
I’m mainly talking about the wing-nuts that go to the extreme in their efforts to control the world. People like Robert Tilton, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Miss Piggy & the Disco Cowboy over at TBN, and let’s not forget Jim & Tammy Bakker are an example of the tame members of the “crazy” religious right. These sleazy snake oil salesmen have been making a living selling Jesus to the masses and tending to God’s wallet for years, but a new breed has joined them recently that quite frankly scares the hell out of me.
The ‘worshipers’ at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas have single-handedly taken it upon themselves to denounce homosexuals “in God’s name”. To these freaks of human nature, the death of “fags” is a good thing, and most likely done by the hand and/or guidance of God himself. They operate a web site (http://www.godhatesfags.com/) where they attempt to spread their message of bullshit, hatred, and intolerance due in large part to their self-described extra-special understanding of ‘God’s word’ in the Bible.
For a group that purports itself as “Christian” to outwardly & forcefully preach hatred, intolerance and bigotry is so hypocritical that it blows my mind. These Westboro Baptist Church tard-clowns should be ashamed of themselves for the pain and hurt they have caused the families of the military funerals they protested, as well as the comments that their ‘leader’ Shirley Phelps Roper made regarding the poor innocent Amish shooting victims. This woman actually says that God operated through the heart & hands of Charles Roberts (the scumbag that killed the young girls) to kill the girls as punishment for them & their families not worshiping God the ‘right’ way. She also has stated that God is using IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) in Iraq to kill soldiers as punishment for a nation that celebrates homosexual behavior. While referring to the latter, she said that “this was God’s favorite way of punishing America” for our supposed unholy behavior (and God told her this when, exactly?). What this moron is actually trying to say is that she along with her father and the handful of people that make up their congregation are the only ones who are worshiping the ‘Lord’ correctly, and that everyone else in the world has it all wrong – and will drink of the cup of blood and fire in eternal damnation (or some hocus-pocus mythical ‘wrath of God’ nonsense).
Then you have people the likes of James Dobson, who presents himself as a “Christian Psychologist” – whatever that is. This guy is one of the many evangelical Christians that live under the notion that homosexuality is something that can be “cured” like alcoholism or diarrhea. These zealots focus and fixate over things like homosexuality and pornography to the point of total obsession. They spend countless hours of radio & television air time preaching the evils of those things that they deem as “against God” and condemning everyone who fails to live by their standards. Of course, the one thing that every single one of these people firing bibles at sin like they were bullets from God’s gun seems to forget is that the bible also says that it is God’s job alone to judge others, not man’s.
Now, if you know me at all, you would know that I am the last person in the world to be preaching ‘cultural understanding’ and the like, but the bottom line here is the fact that gays and lesbians do NOT “choose” the lifestyle. It is just a simple matter of nature that exists – like it or not. Every single one of my gay friends has said that they didn’t choose to be gay – they were born that way. None of them ever remembers waking up one day and making a conscious decision, one way or the other, regarding their sexual orientation. People do not choose a gay lifestyle any more than an animal might choose its class or breed. To say that there is some sort of “Homosexual agenda” is even more retarded. Like the gay community is running around secretly attempting to turn everybody into one of them (it kind of reminds me of the 1956 Don Siegel film ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ where people were duplicated and replaced with a compliant and subservient version of them selves in order to serve the ‘whole’). Paranoia strikes deep…
I don’t particularly care one bit what a person’s sexual orientation may be. Who a person is ultimately is all that matters to me. What you do in the privacy of your own bedroom is nobody’s business but your own as far as I am concerned. If a person feels like reading a pornographic magazine then that is their business as well (as long as they are of legal age!). Just because some uptight ‘Christian’ deems these things evil doesn’t mean that the rest of us have to follow suit. If you don’t like pornography then stay out of adult books/video stores. If you are offended by certain things you see on television then turn the channel (or turn it off and read a book). If you don’t like the things that Howard Stern says then don’t listen to him. Telling the rest of the world that they can’t or shouldn’t either is NOT your place. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and leading my life the way I choose – as long as I’m not hurting anyone else. Besides, if Jesus ever did come back and He saw what all these idiots were doing in His name, I seriously doubt He’d be too happy about it!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Get Your CRAP Off My Screen

(This picture is completely fictitious, and in no way represents an actual broadcast. It is merely designed to illustrate the ridiculous lengths that modern broadcasters would go if given the opportunity. Click on the picture to see the full version)

Did you know that you are an idiot? Well, if you ask any modern television broadcast company, they certainly think you are. The proof is in the answer to a very simple question: “Why does your company feel the need to put your logo on the bottom of the screen?” Ninety-nine percent of the time the answer will be that they do this so that their viewers can remember what channel they are watching. To me, that sounds a lot like “Our viewers are far too stupid to remember or even know what channel they are watching, so we need to remind them” more than anything else. Of course they don’t seem overly worried about you remembering what channel you’re watching while the commercials are on - because that’s the only time they ever take their logo off the screen. Apparently, it’s perfectly okay to tread all over the screen blocking subtitles, distracting viewers, and ruining a program or movie – but don’t even think about upsetting an advertiser! I guess we know who’s more important though, don’t we?
While researching this phenomenon I have found out that the on-screen logos are actually called ‘bugs’ by the industry. Supposedly this trend was being used for a number of years in Europe (originating on the Italian television station RAI), and in the U.S. it is reported that VH-1 was the first to adopt it, but I thought that it was MTV who paved the way – who knows. The British call them DOG’s (Digital On-screen Graphics) which I think is a better name, but who am I to judge – after all, I’m just a stupid viewer.
Those pesky (and ever-increasingly annoying) little banners that pop up to intrude on your viewing in order to inform you of other programs & website opportunities are called OSN’s (On Screen Next). This is where things get ugly. As far as I am concerned the OSN is nothing but visual Spam. When I am trying to watch a show having some flashing animated banner pop up all over my screen to tell me what I am currently watching, what’s coming up next, and what will be on next week I get disgusted. Nothing is more obnoxious than this disastrous trend – and its getting worse. The latest corporate ‘me too’ sheep to adopt this insulting little habit are the premium movie channels – you know, the ones we pay extra for? Even they have decided that our collective intelligence hasn’t been insulted enough, so now they are joining in the game.
The week before Easter this year Showtime was running an advertising campaign to announce that they were premiering Mel Gibson’s film The Passion of the Christ on Easter Sunday. For the whole preceding week, every time Showtime broadcast a movie in letterbox format they ran a banner along the bottom of the screen (inside the lower black letterbox border) that advertised the upcoming premier, and their website SHO.com. I recently caught Starz doing one better during their ‘Big 80’s Weekend' promo. Starz didn’t even have the courtesy of waiting for letterbox movies, and ran a similar banner across the bottom of the screen (over the visible picture) advertising ‘Big 80’s’ trivia happening between movies, as well as on-line 80’s trivia at Starz.com. I guess the Term ‘commercial-free’ seems to escape some people.
A few years ago I got into a rather heated session with a Discovery Channel “customer service” rep via email about their new-at-the-time habit of squishing up the screen in the middle of a show and running advertisements for upcoming programs, more info on the current show available at discovery.com, and in a few cases – even a ‘this program is brought to you by’ message on the lower 1/3rd of the screen. Anyway, I got fed-up with the tactic and emailed them to complain. What I got back was an email stating that my cable or satellite provider was responsible for the commercials – not Discovery. So I emailed them back stating that I wasn’t talking about the commercials, I was complaining about what the Discovery channel was doing during the actual broadcast content, but the response was the same. They either didn’t get it, or more likely, didn’t want to get it. This went on for several emails until I finally gave up. They simply refused to address their actions, and as a result I have pretty much stopped watching the original Discovery channel (although I have to admit that I’m a huge fan the Military channel – which is a member of the Discovery family).
In Europe (well, at least England anyway) they run these bugs and OSN’s on the top portion of the screen, which led to the broadcasters being inundated with complaints by angry viewers over the practice. Because the bugs and OSN’s were in the upper portion of the screen they were effectively blocking out people’s faces in some instances making any attempt at actually enjoying a television program a futile effort.
To me, this whole practice is a disgrace. What if other businesses followed the lead and started introducing invasive advertising techniques into their products as well? Let’s use the US Postal service as an example: what if your mother sits down and writes you a nice letter, puts a stamp on it, then mails it off. While in postal custody, they open the letter and insert a few pieces of junk mail, then re-seal the envelope and deliver it to your mailbox. Would you stand for that? I know I certainly wouldn’t! But ultimately, is it any different then hijacking paid television?
What puzzles me most about this is the fact that there is so little resistance or complaints made by the creative community that makes the very shows that the broadcasters are trampling all over. Could you imagine spending a grueling year or more in a place like the Amazon jungle, or the Gobi desert making a documentary about a particular passion (scientific, educational or artistic), only to have the Discovery channel completely ruin its premier by pulling this crap? I personally wouldn’t stand for it for a second!
Then there is the argument of paying for our television. 25 years ago people were watching television basically for free. You had to buy a set, then there’s the cost of electricity to run it, but the point I’m trying to make is that we didn’t pay for having the 6 or so channels that were available brought into our home. These days, most television viewers get their programming via a paid service like a cable or satellite provider. Because we are paying for the privilege of having these extra channels, where do the broadcasters get the right to interrupt said paid service by effectively advertising right over the top of an actual program? Isn’t that the whole purpose of having commercial breaks in the first place? You watched a show while it was on without interruption or distraction on the part of the broadcaster until it was time for a commercial break. As it stands today, one can’t even watch movies on premium movie channels like Showtime and Starz – who advertise and bill themselves as commercial free movie channels – without being interrupted and distracted by intrusive bugs and OSN’s? What’s next? Are we going to tune in to HBO to watch a classic movie like Raiders of the Lost Ark with a giant Pepsi watermark covering the screen?
Where will this end if we don’t stand up and fight back? Write your congressman, the broadcasters, the FCC – anybody who might take a step to quell this most recent invasion on our rights as paying viewers. There is only so much we can take, and if we don’t act fast, eventually we will be watching our favorite shows in the upper right corner of the screen in a two inch box, while the rest of the screen is filled with advertising. Mark my words – its coming, folks!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Lethal Morons


Apparently, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are gearing up for yet another installment in the Lethal Weapon franchise. So far, this reporter has learned that the working title for this episode is Lethal Weapon 5: Morons on Parade. This time Sergeants Martin Riggs & Roger Murtaugh will be going undercover to expose a plot by an Israeli Movie Cartel and Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez to bring the “American Empire” to its knees.
The film will open with an undercover Riggs speeding down the Pacific Coast Highway in an apparent drunken rage. After being stopped by the police, Riggs (who is undercover as a huge Hollywood superstar) begins berating the officers in an attempt to get arrested so he can infiltrate the Lost Hill Sheriff's Station – the supposed home of the Israeli Movie Cartel ‘JAM’ (Jews and Movies). When Riggs says things to the cops like “F***ing Jews, the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”, and “What do you think you're looking at, sugar t**s?” He is immediately arrested and brought in to the Lost Hills stationhouse.
Once he’s been incarcerated, the ever out-of-control Riggs keeps the attention of the officers by acting like a caged monkey, destroying a payphone, and threatening to urinate on the floor of his cell. All the while, Riggs is secretly listening in on the conversation in the next room between JAM leader Ignotta Larue (played by Barbara Streisand) and Malibu Police Chief Mort Weintraub (played by first-time actor Michael Eisner). After learning that JAM is in cahoots with Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez (played by Lou Diamond Phillips), Riggs uses his one phone call to inform his partner Murtaugh what he has learned.
Murtaugh, also undercover as a big Hollywood actor, immediately heads to New York City where Chavez is expected to speak at the UN. Feigning support for Chavez’s radical anti-American tirades, Murtaugh befriends the Venezuelan president and attempts to infiltrate his organization in order to better understand his connection to JAM.
Needless to say, after many hair-raising car chases, explosions, wacky antics, and blazing shootouts, Riggs and Murtaugh bring down JAM, Hugo Chavez and all their henchmen - emerging victorious. The film ends with Riggs, Murtaugh, Leo Getz, and Lorna Cole sitting on a tropical beach sipping margaritas.
I can’t wait….

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Flaming Pope On A Rope

Once again, the fanatical Muslim world is angry and upset. Everyone stop what you’re doing, and look at the poor offended Muslims! This time, in a speech at Regensburg University in Germany, Pope Benedict XVI quoted a 14th century Christian emperor as referring to elements of the Muslim faith as "evil and inhuman." Even though the Pope was quoting an ancient text, the “Muslim world” has once again shown their true nature of violent irrational behavior surrounding this latest incident. The following passage in the Pope’s speech is what reportedly caused all the hoopla: "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." Apparently, this quote was so offensive to Muslims that one of the groups of ‘victims’ released the following statement in their defense: “We shall break the cross and spill the wine (...) God will (help) Muslims to conquer Rome ... (May) God enable us to slit their throats, and make their money and descendants the bounty of the mujahideen.” They also showed their anger by burning & vandalizing several Christian churches, along with murdering a Catholic nun in Somalia… because they were offended.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but somehow I just don’t get it. I try to follow the logic of these people but it’s a little difficult given the fact that they’re, well, total morons. This latest episode just goes to show their lack of a grasp on reality. According to this brand of Muslim logic, if someone accuses you of stealing something, the proper way to protest your innocence is by going out on a shoplifting spree. Burning a few flags and threatening to murder whole populations doesn’t hurt either - but don’t quote me on that.
The other side of this trend is hypocrisy. These Islamo-fascist retards are in the news every day declaring war on us (the West), our way of life, and our governments. They take every opportunity to burn our flags, call us everything from “non-believers” to “infidels”, violently attack our embassies & their employees, and unleash Islamikaze attacks on innocent civilian populations all over the world. Now, when somebody like the Pope makes reference to these exact behaviors – they get upset? EXCUSE ME? Am I missing something here??? These dirt-bags can insult me and my way of life on the news every night, and then turn around and start demanding apologies because someone supposedly insulted them? How about a nice hot cup of shut-the-hell-up?
While we are still so close to yet another anniversary of the 9\11 terrorist attacks in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania, I don’t particularly enjoy listening to a bunch of radical Muslim jackasses demanding apologies for being insulted, okay? As far as I’m concerned they can all take a flying leap - and the only thing the Pope should apologize for is feeling the need to make excuses for speaking his mind and calling them like he sees them.
In conclusion I would like to offer the “Muslim world” a bit of advice: The next time you are feeling insulted by something might I suggest that instead of resorting to your usual violent outbursts, how about taking a bath, shaving your face, changing out of those dirty pajamas and address your grievances in a forum like the UN. That way, somebody might accidentally mistake you for a civilized society, and a problem – Allah forbid – might actually be resolved in a peaceful adult manner for a change.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

It's all OUR fault...

This is a rather long post – for which I am sorry. What follows is for a current writing project, and is a work in progress, so check back for changes & additions.

Everybody knows that White people are to blame for every problem in history, right? It was the White man that invented slavery, caused the holocaust, nuked the Japanese, stole America from the Indians, killed Muslims in the Crusades, unleashed David Hasselhoff on the free world, and invented Internet porn. Oh yeah, and George Bush - the supreme cracker himself - single-handedly caused hurricane Katrina to hit New Orleans because he reportedly "hates Black people".
Some of the other horrific atrocities that can be attributed to White people include inventing electricity, indoor plumbing, cars, airplanes, computers, the internet, modern medicine, television, satellites, photography, air conditioning, freeways, GPS, trains, Oreo cookies, baseball, hotdogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet - just to name a few. Yeah, that’s right, Whitey is definitely the scourge of the earth.
Once again, I'm not trying to sound like a Grand Pooh-Bah of the KKK or anything, but it would be nice if people could see history as a whole instead of the fractured, cleansed, immunized and repackaged version that they have been trying to get us to swallow for years. Take the story of the Pilgrims and Plymouth Rock. I grew up learning in school that the Pilgrims were the first Europeans to set foot in America in 1620. We learned that they were the first to have contact with the Indians, the whole Thanksgiving thing, they settled the colony at Plymouth- the first in America, etc. I especially like the whole part about how they came here to start a "Christian nation", and were entitled to do so as the "first settlers in America". Of course, once I got out of Catholic school and was exposed to somewhat less-biased history classes, the truth told a different story. It seems that their history conveniently forgot about Jamestown, Virginia - which was settled in 1606 by a group representing the Virginia Company (sometimes referred to as the London Company). This venture was formed on a charter by King Charles the 1st that he granted to a group of hungry entrepreneurs eager to cash in on the easy money to be made in sugar, cotton, and tobacco plantations. The newly established plantations of the British colonies in the West Indies were proving to be very lucrative so establishing colonies in North America was hoped to be every bit as much – if not more – profitable. The entire purpose of this business was colonizing Virginia and , if possible, find gold and a water passage to the South Seas. That's right folks - America was founded on a business deal! The whole Pilgrim bullshit story that Greg Brady and I so fondly remember was just that - a bullshit story. I don't doubt that things went pretty much as described in history in regard to the Plymouth colony and all, but the whole 'they were here first' routine was a lie. I guess its just a little bit more romantic to think of an oppressed people's struggle under tyranny who set out into uncharted territory to form a brave new world instead of corporate raiders in search of gold and other exploitable resources. The point is that history isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Educate yourself from as many sources as you can find so that you get the whole story - and that brings me to one of the biggest manipulations in modern history - slavery.
I know that I'm going to be crucified for this, but as long as we are talking about Political Correctness, this one really needs to be discussed. I mean in no way to belittle the horrific abuses that Africans suffered in this country (or any other for that matter) as a result of slavery, but I think its pretty important to set the record straight given this current trend of PC baloney.
Slavery has been around in one form or another for as long as there have been human civilizations. As far as the African slave trade is concerned, black Africans themselves, along with the Arab/Muslim world were responsible for initiating the slave trade out of the continent long before the Europeans even showed up. Then, finally, when they did appear, they only had access to the slaves they came for through a mutual relationship with the Africans that controlled the ports and the supply. Sorry if that puts a crimp in the 'blame Whitey for everything' mantra of the PC crowd, but it’s the truth, like it or not.
Africans, like everybody else, engaged in warfare. Whether it was two local tribes or two kingdoms, war was just as prevalent in Africa as it was everywhere else in the world, and as is always the case with war - to the victor go the spoils. In the case of Africa, one of the main spoils of war was the taking of the losing party's population as slaves. It happened all over the continent, and when the more powerful kingdoms or tribes realized the potential of this 'resource', they exploited it by creating a system of supply chains that fed the Arab and Mediterranean markets in the east, and eventually the west coast traders when they arrived. The more land and people they conquered, the more power and influence they gained, and the more wealth they could harvest from the selling of the vanquished.
So, by the time the Europeans arrived in Africa a well established system of slavery complete with a supply network, distribution system, and customer base was already in place - and had been for quite sometime. The Trans-Saharan trade route supplied slaves to the Muslim world, along with markets in the Mediterranean, and as far away as India and China. The arrival of the Europeans and their thirst for 'commodities' to trade was a windfall for the Africans who saw the potential and benefits to be gained from establishing a business relationship with these new customers.
As I have just illustrated, the Portuguese, French, English, Spanish and Dutch slave traders did not work in the world of African slavery alone. A deeper look into the true history of Africa shows that several pre-colonial empires (Dahomey and Ashanti are two prime examples) had important - if not dominant - roles in the trading of their fellow Africans into slavery. These empires not only benefited from the trading of their Africans brothers they actually garnered huge fortunes and power from doing so. Something else to consider is the fact that when the European slave traders came to Africa there were many obstacles preventing them from just showing up and grabbing whatever they wanted as they are so often mistakenly thought to have done.
The first obstacle was disease. As is often the case, when one population that has spent generations overcoming certain local diseases is suddenly introduced to a foreign population, a mutual exchange of disease can wreak havoc on both. Populations all over the world have suffered greatly from this shared exchange, and the situation in Africa was no different.
For the Europeans who ended up doing business in Africa diseases like yellow fever, dysentery and malaria kept their presence on the west African coast to a minimum as they had no way of combating these ailments. It is believed that this is the reason for the nickname "White Man's Grave" which was given to Africa by the European traders (and would have been a good time for someone to have said “too bad we can’t stay!”). It was simply too hostile an environment for the Europeans, and the majority that did attempt to stay for extended periods suffered for it regularly with chronic health problems, the ravages of disease, and often death.
The second major obstacle was the extremely rugged and unforgiving coastline of Western Africa. Unlike the coasts of Europe and the Americas, the West African coast had very few natural harbors. Add to this a myriad of off-shore reefs, sandbars, vicious crosscurrents that were difficult to navigate in the large trading ships, and seasonal winds along the coast that stirred up heavy surf further complicating matters for the traders. When deals were made with local Africans to supply the traders with products whether it was gold, palm oil or slaves the cargo needed to get to the ships if a profit on both sides was to be made. In a case where there was nowhere to safely anchor near the coast the traders would need to moor two to five miles off shore. The cargo then had to be delivered by the local Africans who were skilled at navigating the treacherous obstacles that kept the traders away.
All of these factors, combined with the limited military ability of the day, created a situation where the traders were dependent on the Africans and kept them from a position of power when it came to dealing with the locals. If the Europeans were going to be able to get their hands on what the Africans had to offer then they were going to have to do so at the mercy of their new partners. As I said before, it also prevented the traders from just hopping ashore, taking whatever or whomever they pleased, and then sailing off to profit on their cargo. When they were able to find suitable harbor trading settlements were established and trade between the Europeans and Africans thrived as a mutually beneficial business arrangement.
So, Africans routinely sold their fellow Africans to the European and Arab slave traders, but were they the only victims of the slave trade? Not even close.
It is an oft-ignored fact in history that White people were taken into slavery all over Europe in the exact same way that Africans were at the hands of other White races. Don't believe me? Just look at the origins of the word slave: it originated from the word 'Slav', which refers to the Slavic people (Russians, Ukrainians, Croatians, etc.) who were routinely taken and sold into slavery (origin in Latin).
The English routinely nabbed children off the streets, which were then sold into slavery (some argue that this was a way of controlling the poor population), and it is this kid nabbing that is considered to be the origin of the word 'kidnap'. In Aberdeen Scotland the situation was so dire at one point that parents refused to allow their children to go into town for fear that they would be stolen. These children were sold into slavery to either the American or West Indies plantations, or to work in local factories as a source of cheap labor. Children as young as 6 years of age were enslaved in English mines and factories throughout the industrial age. Even the prisoners that were being banished to the penal colony in Australia were often sold into slavery, never making it to their intended destination.
Irish citizens were kidnapped and sold into slavery in Barbados and Jamaica (they also had been sold to work on the new plantations in America at that time as well) in the early days of the colonies to work the sugar plantations owned by wealthy British settlers. While they also brought African slaves to the island for the same purpose (and represented the bulk of the total), history proves that Irish slaves stood right alongside their African counterparts in slave revolts.
Then there's the argument that all whites that came to America did so of their own freewill. They either bought passage outright and set out for the New World, or gambled for something better by selling themselves into Indentured Servitude. This 'voluntary' service contract would obligate the individual with between 4 and 7 years of labor in exchange for the cost of transport and room & board. At the end of this service, the individual would be free to buy their own land along with just about every other freedom enjoyed by everyone else. This scenario, however, rarely played out so ideally. Most who entered into this arrangement died before they ever attained their freedom.
White slaves from Scotland were pulled from the hulls of slave ships in chains, and sold at market as well, as in the case of Alexander Stewart in 1747. Stewart was brought to America aboard a slave ship called the Gildart (sailing from Liverpool, England). When the ship arrived, Stewart (along with 88 other Scots), was hauled off the ship bound in chains and sold at auction in Wecomica, Maryland for about 10 Pounds Sterling. I don't know, somehow being bound in chains, crammed into the bowls of a slave ship for 7 weeks, then herded off to the auction block and sold to the highest bidder doesn't sound very voluntary to me.
Then there's the other side of the Indentured Servitude issue that so often goes unmentioned in the history books. Like any good modern corporation would, slave traders and ruthless entrepreneurial ship's captains lied, cheated, and stole. Case in point being the so-called 'indentured servitude' contracts. When citizens from England, Ireland and Scotland, etc. were caught stealing, begging, or just generally annoying the British aristocracy they were often arrested or swept away by gangs. These unlucky folks ended up being sold to these dirty ship captains, who in turn forged indentured service contracts, and then sold the captives at auction once they arrived in the American colonies. The difference between these contracts and those of the true volunteers was that the forged contracts had provisions that allowed the purchaser to extend the length of the servitude for any reason (and often did for the most minor of offenses like looking at someone funny). Again, that doesn't sound very voluntary to me.
Viking culture relied on slavery, and for quite a while made a good living off of the trade. Their victims were Russian, German, English, Scottish, Irish, and even their own people. The French operated slave trade ports out of Rouen, La Rochelle and Bordeaux aiding in the trade of both white and black slaves to the Mediterranean and Arab countries. The Egyptians were involved in slavery, and the practice was also approved in the Bible (Old Testament, Leviticus 25).
The Romans routinely engaged in slavery in all aspects of the trade. They owned them, gathered them (mainly from conquests), and trafficked them - White, Black, Arab, and every race in between.
Don't forget the pirates of the Barbary Coast! They were responsible for raiding coastal villages all over the Mediterranean, England, Scotland, France, Spain, Iceland, and some think Greenland as well. They also took slaves from sub Saharan Africa as part of that previously mentioned trade route as well. They were routinely taking white Christians and other white Europeans into slavery and selling them as a main source of profit. And just who were these Barbary pirates? Arabs from North Africa mostly. The Barbary Coast is the name given to the Mediterranean coastal areas of Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, and Libya, and it was the pirates favorite stomping ground. One of the most famous of these pirates was Barbarossa (Red Beard). His real name was Khair ad Din, and it was he who ended up making Algiers a major base of operations for the Barbary pirates. By 1805 the 'capitol' of Barbary was considered to be in Tripoli, which is the location of the first overseas military action of the United States. The Barbary pirates were wreaking havoc all over the Mediterranean, and had raided several American ships and taken many prisoners. So, the US Marines in an attempt to rescue the prisoners and put an end to the Barbary piracy attacked Tripoli - which is where the opening line of the Marine's Hymn "From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli" comes from.
So as you can see, slavery was never really about racism, it was about business - big business. Whites enslaved Whites as well as Blacks, Africans enslaved other Africans, Arabs enslaved both and just about every combination in between, and the Romans enslaved – well, damn near everybody! Again, every culture in history participated in slavery and no one ethnicity can honestly claim exclusivity to being its victim.
Ultimately, the people responsible for slavery are defined by their actions involving the business of slavery, whether it was selling them, capturing them, transporting them, or owning them. In the case of the African slave trade, Africans exploited their fellow countrymen just as much as those who came to utilize slaves, and in the name of fairness, that fact should be written right alongside the rest of the story in our history books.As I said earlier, I mean in no way to make light of the dismal treatment that Africans suffered as a result of slavery. The crimes that humans can inflict on one another never ceases to amaze me, but I think that it is extremely important for us to educate or selves about them so that maybe - just maybe - we won't repeat them. If we are going to educate ourselves though, we need to learn the whole story. Leaving selected parts out whatever the motivation merely serves to confuse and corrupt the issue.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Shirts Vs. Skins – A Recipe For Humiliation

For as long as I can remember I’ve never been much of a sports fan. I may go to an occasional baseball or hockey game now and again, but other than that I don’t pay much attention to the sports world. My wife loves this fact because she isn’t forced to give up the television 53 times a week just because the game is on.
People often ask me why I’m so apathetic when it comes to sports but I don’t really know what to tell them. Normally I say something along the lines of simply finding sports boring, or griping about all the inflated egos, salaries and ticket prices. Of course, being hijacked to the tune of $30 for a hotdog and a beer doesn’t hurt my argument any either. I guess it just depends on whom I’m talking to. Of course, any reply I give has a tendency to cause the recipient to immediately begin treating me like some kind of primate with multiple heads. They usually say things like “What kind of weirdo doesn’t like sports?” Or “You must be some kind of three-headed monkey freak if you don’t like sports!” People used to ask me if I was a communist, but in this era of political correctness calling someone a three-headed monkey freak seems to be more tolerant.
I think the biggest reason I avoid the sports world comes from my early childhood influences. As a kid while all of my friends were getting their first baseball mitts, soccer balls and footballs, I was getting pocket microscopes and build-your-own crystal radio kits. Peewee Football and Little League were about as interesting to me as ballet lessons or eating spinach might be to your average 5-year old boy. I wanted to know how the world worked and nothing - including sports - was going to distract me. Then again, the fact that I’ve always been about as athletically inclined as a cinderblock may have also played a small part.
My general disinterest in sports was furthered a little later in life when in the 6th grade I was diagnosed with one of the worst cases of hereditary acne known to mankind. I believe the medical term is Chronic Bioderma Pizzafication. Some of the other kids had a few pimples here and there, but I could have been a poster child for the entire acne products industry. I’m not kidding - my skin was so bad it looked like I was wearing a shroud over my head & chest made out of an old pepperoni pizza. I was a shy kid to begin with, but nothing drove me inward more than my extensive bout with acne – and that brings me to how this affected my interest in sports.
Every gym teacher I ever had after my acne first appeared was obsessed with dividing the class up into teams of Shirts & Skins (Shirts & Skins is male gym class code for one team, namely the Skins, removing their shirts and playing bare-chested). Now, this is great if you’re some kind of acne-free Adonis child, but to me it was a social death sentence. You have to love the psychology behind a 6th grade gym teacher in the 1970's: Take the shy quiet kid with the full-blown case of acne and make him take his shirt off displaying his grotesque disfigurement for everyone to gawk at. I think this was supposed to help me overcome my shyness and interact better with the other kids – it was either that or my childhood gym teachers simply enjoyed torturing vulnerable young zit farmers.
Announcer: “Little Bobby dribbles the ball down the court. He makes an excellent pass to Jimmy who tries to shoot. The basket is no good. These Shirts are all over Jimmy as he tries to jockey for position. Jimmy passes the ball to Scott, who passes it to – wait a minute, is that a pepperoni pizza? The pizza shoots… and the ball goes out the door and down the hallway. That’s another setback for the Skins.”
Given my under-whelming talent for sports, these types of brilliant plays on my part were usually followed with cheers of support and good sportsmanship from my classmates: “Morton, you suck!” Keep in mind that this type of terminology was perfectly acceptable in 1977, but if you attempted to “motivate” a fellow teammate using this verbal technique today you would probably find yourself being paid a visit from the self-esteem police and punished with a well deserved timeout in an adult-supervised personal reflection room (what people my age used to refer to as detention). Of course, with the way things are in schools these days kids with untreated acne probably have separate special needs gym classes where they get to play basketball covered in parkas – hoods optional.
So there you have it. One non-sports fan’s story of self-discovery into why he doesn’t enjoy wasting away countless hours of his life watching adults participate in the fine art of paid recess. In other words, sports – for the rest of us – suck.