1-800-WELCOME-TO-HELL

Another Customer Service Rant that was a result of poor treatment when it comes to telephone support:
A classic example of a recipe for disastrous customer service is the automated help line. Offered in lieu of actual human assistance, more and more companies are turning to these types of options as cost cutting measures. They reduce expenses, which equate to higher profits for owners or stockholders, and have been the formula for years in all aspects of the business world. Only recently has it begun to infiltrate the customer service industry. Automation might be great for building cars, but it simply isn’t suited to helping live people, no matter what application it is used for.
The reason that automated help options are bad news for customer service is the fact that they convey a sense of ‘processing’ to the customer instead of real assistance. As a business, if you choose to peddle this type of slop under the guise of support, then your company’s reputation will ultimately pay for that mistake. People relate to people, not to machines. And no matter how many independent studies or surveys you do to pinpoint what type of voice people identify with best, using it to sugarcoat a cheap business tactic is never going to sell to the public. It is simply a matter of bad customer service.

A customer calls the Colorful Computer Company for support on a MegaBlue computer he just bought at Super Marty’s Electronics Humong-O-Plex. The phone number was on a flyer inside the box that listed troubleshooting tips and support information for the product:

…Customer calls 1-800-COLORPC…

…Dial tone…

Voice: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support line. I’m Jenny and I’ll be your automated support specialist option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

Customer: “One”.

Jenny: “I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

Customer: “ONE”.

Jenny: “I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Goodbye.”

…Dial tone…

Customer: “What the…?”

…Redial…

Jenny: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support line. I’m Jenny and I’ll be your automated support specialist option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

…Customer presses 1 on phone…

Jenny: “Thank you. Please wait.”

…Six minute hold time complete with ‘Light Jazz’ sound track…

Voice: “Accounting, this is Tammy.”

Customer: “Accounting? I’m looking for the support line. I think the phone transferred me to the wrong department.”

Tammy: “Well, what did you press?”

Customer: “One.”

Tammy: “One? That’s the support line.”

Customer: “Yeah… That’s who I was trying to reach actually. Is there any way…”

Tammy: “How’d you get to me then sir?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not really sure, but like I was saying, could you transfer me to support or an operator maybe?”

Tammy: “Yeah, hold on…”

…Two minute hold – more light jazz…

Jenny: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support line. I’m Jenny and I’ll be your automated support specialist option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

Customer: “Oh, for the love of…”

Jenny: “I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Please press or…”

…Customer presses 1 on his phone…

Jenny: “Hi, and welcome to the Mega computer series support and information line. Please choose from the following options:
- For support on the MegaRed, or MegaYellow series computer systems, press or say 1 now.
- For support on the UltraRed and UltraGreen series computers, press or say 2 now.
- For all other models, press or say 3 now.”

…Customer presses 3 on his phone…

Jenny: “Please choose from the following options:
- For the Learning-Pro Childhood series Jr. Executive Play PC, press or say 1 now.
- For the Babysitter 8X Kidmaster Audio-Video car seat, press or say 2 now.
- For information about the ongoing litigation involving carpal tunnel syndrome or repetitive motion injuries to the hands due to prolonged exposure to the Turbo-Passifier64 Backseat Game Console, please press or say 3 now.
- To return to the main menu, press star.

Customer: “What the…? Where’s the option for the MegaBlue series computer?”

Jenny: “I’m sorry. That is not a valid option.”

…Dial tone…

Customer: “Awe, what the HELL? What do you… what the HELL?”

…Redial…

Jenny: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support…”

…Customer presses 0 on phone in hopes of raising an operator…

Voice: “Colorful Computers, How may I direct your call?

Customer: “Yes, thank god I reached a human being! I’m trying to get support for the MegaBlue PC I just bought, and there’s no option for it on the help line. Is there someone I can speak to about the MegaBlue series?”

Voice: “Did you say that was a MegaBlue series PC?”

Customer: “Yes ma’am.”

Voice: “Just a minute, sir. Let me see who handles that department.”

…One minute and 8,000 keystrokes on the operator’s keyboard later…

Voice: “Just one moment sir.”

… Three more minutes on hold as the light jazz plays on…

Voice: “Customer Service, this is Janice.”

Customer: “Hi Janice, I’m looking for support for a MegaBlue series PC and I was unable to find an option for it on the automated support line. Are you the person I need to speak to?”

Janice: “Whoa! How’d you get to me?”

Customer: “Oh geez, you aren’t going to tell me that this isn’t the MegaBlue support line, are you?”

Janice: “ Well, I’m afraid it isn’t, but could you tell me where you purchased your MegaBlue sir? Maybe I can help you from there.”

Customer: “It’s a MegaBlue series that I bought at Super Marty’s Electronics Humong-O-Plex.”

Janice: “Okay, let’s take a look at… Oh, I see. We don’t actually support that model sir. You’re going to want to contact the reseller and get support from them.”

Customer: “But the sheet inside the box said to call this number for support. They didn’t say anything at Super Marty’s about support.”

Janice: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s an OEM computer system and we don’t support it. That’s up to the vendor. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Have you got a shotgun?”

Janice: “I’m sorry, what was that, sir?

Customer: “Nothing. Never mind. I’ll call Super Marty’s. Thank you for your help.”

Janice: “Thank you. And thank you for purchasing a Colorful Computer product!”

…Customer calls 1-800-SPANKN-DEAL…

Voice: “Thank you for calling Super Marty’s. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Yes I need support for the MegaBlue series computer I just bought from you guys.”

Voice: “Can you hold please?”

…Eleven minutes of generic ‘Mood’ music later…

Voice: “Thank you for calling the computer support division. This is Rick, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi Rick, I just bought a MegaBlue series computer system from you guys and I’m having some trouble with it.”

Rick: “The MegaBlue series… is that a laptop?”

Customer: “No, it’s a desktop system. The MegaBlue series…”

Rick: “I don’t see that one on the list. Hmm. Can you hold please sir? Let me check something…”

…One and a half minutes of mood music hell on hold…

Rick: “I’ve got good news for you sir. We don’t actually support the MegaBlue series, but I did find the number for the manufacturer’s support line for you. Have you got a pen?”

Customer: Gee, let me guess Rick, is it 1-800-COLORPC?”

Rick: “Yes sir! You got it. Now, is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, you could remind my dumb ass never to shop at your crappy store ever again!”

…Click…

The saddest part about this whole call is that, if the customer had actually spoken to a human service agent in the beginning, all of this hassle could have been avoided -- proof-positive that cutting costs at the expense of the customer and trying to pass it off as ‘convenience’ is nothing more than a slap in the face to the people who made your business what it is.

Caveat Emptor.