It's all OUR fault...

This is a rather long post – for which I am sorry. What follows is for a current writing project, and is a work in progress, so check back for changes & additions.

Everybody knows that White people are to blame for every problem in history, right? It was the White man that invented slavery, caused the holocaust, nuked the Japanese, stole America from the Indians, killed Muslims in the Crusades, unleashed David Hasselhoff on the free world, and invented Internet porn. Oh yeah, and George Bush - the supreme cracker himself - single-handedly caused hurricane Katrina to hit New Orleans because he reportedly "hates Black people".
Some of the other horrific atrocities that can be attributed to White people include inventing electricity, indoor plumbing, cars, airplanes, computers, the internet, modern medicine, television, satellites, photography, air conditioning, freeways, GPS, trains, Oreo cookies, baseball, hotdogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet - just to name a few. Yeah, that’s right, Whitey is definitely the scourge of the earth.
Once again, I'm not trying to sound like a Grand Pooh-Bah of the KKK or anything, but it would be nice if people could see history as a whole instead of the fractured, cleansed, immunized and repackaged version that they have been trying to get us to swallow for years. Take the story of the Pilgrims and Plymouth Rock. I grew up learning in school that the Pilgrims were the first Europeans to set foot in America in 1620. We learned that they were the first to have contact with the Indians, the whole Thanksgiving thing, they settled the colony at Plymouth- the first in America, etc. I especially like the whole part about how they came here to start a "Christian nation", and were entitled to do so as the "first settlers in America". Of course, once I got out of Catholic school and was exposed to somewhat less-biased history classes, the truth told a different story. It seems that their history conveniently forgot about Jamestown, Virginia - which was settled in 1606 by a group representing the Virginia Company (sometimes referred to as the London Company). This venture was formed on a charter by King Charles the 1st that he granted to a group of hungry entrepreneurs eager to cash in on the easy money to be made in sugar, cotton, and tobacco plantations. The newly established plantations of the British colonies in the West Indies were proving to be very lucrative so establishing colonies in North America was hoped to be every bit as much – if not more – profitable. The entire purpose of this business was colonizing Virginia and , if possible, find gold and a water passage to the South Seas. That's right folks - America was founded on a business deal! The whole Pilgrim bullshit story that Greg Brady and I so fondly remember was just that - a bullshit story. I don't doubt that things went pretty much as described in history in regard to the Plymouth colony and all, but the whole 'they were here first' routine was a lie. I guess its just a little bit more romantic to think of an oppressed people's struggle under tyranny who set out into uncharted territory to form a brave new world instead of corporate raiders in search of gold and other exploitable resources. The point is that history isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Educate yourself from as many sources as you can find so that you get the whole story - and that brings me to one of the biggest manipulations in modern history - slavery.
I know that I'm going to be crucified for this, but as long as we are talking about Political Correctness, this one really needs to be discussed. I mean in no way to belittle the horrific abuses that Africans suffered in this country (or any other for that matter) as a result of slavery, but I think its pretty important to set the record straight given this current trend of PC baloney.
Slavery has been around in one form or another for as long as there have been human civilizations. As far as the African slave trade is concerned, black Africans themselves, along with the Arab/Muslim world were responsible for initiating the slave trade out of the continent long before the Europeans even showed up. Then, finally, when they did appear, they only had access to the slaves they came for through a mutual relationship with the Africans that controlled the ports and the supply. Sorry if that puts a crimp in the 'blame Whitey for everything' mantra of the PC crowd, but it’s the truth, like it or not.
Africans, like everybody else, engaged in warfare. Whether it was two local tribes or two kingdoms, war was just as prevalent in Africa as it was everywhere else in the world, and as is always the case with war - to the victor go the spoils. In the case of Africa, one of the main spoils of war was the taking of the losing party's population as slaves. It happened all over the continent, and when the more powerful kingdoms or tribes realized the potential of this 'resource', they exploited it by creating a system of supply chains that fed the Arab and Mediterranean markets in the east, and eventually the west coast traders when they arrived. The more land and people they conquered, the more power and influence they gained, and the more wealth they could harvest from the selling of the vanquished.
So, by the time the Europeans arrived in Africa a well established system of slavery complete with a supply network, distribution system, and customer base was already in place - and had been for quite sometime. The Trans-Saharan trade route supplied slaves to the Muslim world, along with markets in the Mediterranean, and as far away as India and China. The arrival of the Europeans and their thirst for 'commodities' to trade was a windfall for the Africans who saw the potential and benefits to be gained from establishing a business relationship with these new customers.
As I have just illustrated, the Portuguese, French, English, Spanish and Dutch slave traders did not work in the world of African slavery alone. A deeper look into the true history of Africa shows that several pre-colonial empires (Dahomey and Ashanti are two prime examples) had important - if not dominant - roles in the trading of their fellow Africans into slavery. These empires not only benefited from the trading of their Africans brothers they actually garnered huge fortunes and power from doing so. Something else to consider is the fact that when the European slave traders came to Africa there were many obstacles preventing them from just showing up and grabbing whatever they wanted as they are so often mistakenly thought to have done.
The first obstacle was disease. As is often the case, when one population that has spent generations overcoming certain local diseases is suddenly introduced to a foreign population, a mutual exchange of disease can wreak havoc on both. Populations all over the world have suffered greatly from this shared exchange, and the situation in Africa was no different.
For the Europeans who ended up doing business in Africa diseases like yellow fever, dysentery and malaria kept their presence on the west African coast to a minimum as they had no way of combating these ailments. It is believed that this is the reason for the nickname "White Man's Grave" which was given to Africa by the European traders (and would have been a good time for someone to have said “too bad we can’t stay!”). It was simply too hostile an environment for the Europeans, and the majority that did attempt to stay for extended periods suffered for it regularly with chronic health problems, the ravages of disease, and often death.
The second major obstacle was the extremely rugged and unforgiving coastline of Western Africa. Unlike the coasts of Europe and the Americas, the West African coast had very few natural harbors. Add to this a myriad of off-shore reefs, sandbars, vicious crosscurrents that were difficult to navigate in the large trading ships, and seasonal winds along the coast that stirred up heavy surf further complicating matters for the traders. When deals were made with local Africans to supply the traders with products whether it was gold, palm oil or slaves the cargo needed to get to the ships if a profit on both sides was to be made. In a case where there was nowhere to safely anchor near the coast the traders would need to moor two to five miles off shore. The cargo then had to be delivered by the local Africans who were skilled at navigating the treacherous obstacles that kept the traders away.
All of these factors, combined with the limited military ability of the day, created a situation where the traders were dependent on the Africans and kept them from a position of power when it came to dealing with the locals. If the Europeans were going to be able to get their hands on what the Africans had to offer then they were going to have to do so at the mercy of their new partners. As I said before, it also prevented the traders from just hopping ashore, taking whatever or whomever they pleased, and then sailing off to profit on their cargo. When they were able to find suitable harbor trading settlements were established and trade between the Europeans and Africans thrived as a mutually beneficial business arrangement.
So, Africans routinely sold their fellow Africans to the European and Arab slave traders, but were they the only victims of the slave trade? Not even close.
It is an oft-ignored fact in history that White people were taken into slavery all over Europe in the exact same way that Africans were at the hands of other White races. Don't believe me? Just look at the origins of the word slave: it originated from the word 'Slav', which refers to the Slavic people (Russians, Ukrainians, Croatians, etc.) who were routinely taken and sold into slavery (origin in Latin).
The English routinely nabbed children off the streets, which were then sold into slavery (some argue that this was a way of controlling the poor population), and it is this kid nabbing that is considered to be the origin of the word 'kidnap'. In Aberdeen Scotland the situation was so dire at one point that parents refused to allow their children to go into town for fear that they would be stolen. These children were sold into slavery to either the American or West Indies plantations, or to work in local factories as a source of cheap labor. Children as young as 6 years of age were enslaved in English mines and factories throughout the industrial age. Even the prisoners that were being banished to the penal colony in Australia were often sold into slavery, never making it to their intended destination.
Irish citizens were kidnapped and sold into slavery in Barbados and Jamaica (they also had been sold to work on the new plantations in America at that time as well) in the early days of the colonies to work the sugar plantations owned by wealthy British settlers. While they also brought African slaves to the island for the same purpose (and represented the bulk of the total), history proves that Irish slaves stood right alongside their African counterparts in slave revolts.
Then there's the argument that all whites that came to America did so of their own freewill. They either bought passage outright and set out for the New World, or gambled for something better by selling themselves into Indentured Servitude. This 'voluntary' service contract would obligate the individual with between 4 and 7 years of labor in exchange for the cost of transport and room & board. At the end of this service, the individual would be free to buy their own land along with just about every other freedom enjoyed by everyone else. This scenario, however, rarely played out so ideally. Most who entered into this arrangement died before they ever attained their freedom.
White slaves from Scotland were pulled from the hulls of slave ships in chains, and sold at market as well, as in the case of Alexander Stewart in 1747. Stewart was brought to America aboard a slave ship called the Gildart (sailing from Liverpool, England). When the ship arrived, Stewart (along with 88 other Scots), was hauled off the ship bound in chains and sold at auction in Wecomica, Maryland for about 10 Pounds Sterling. I don't know, somehow being bound in chains, crammed into the bowls of a slave ship for 7 weeks, then herded off to the auction block and sold to the highest bidder doesn't sound very voluntary to me.
Then there's the other side of the Indentured Servitude issue that so often goes unmentioned in the history books. Like any good modern corporation would, slave traders and ruthless entrepreneurial ship's captains lied, cheated, and stole. Case in point being the so-called 'indentured servitude' contracts. When citizens from England, Ireland and Scotland, etc. were caught stealing, begging, or just generally annoying the British aristocracy they were often arrested or swept away by gangs. These unlucky folks ended up being sold to these dirty ship captains, who in turn forged indentured service contracts, and then sold the captives at auction once they arrived in the American colonies. The difference between these contracts and those of the true volunteers was that the forged contracts had provisions that allowed the purchaser to extend the length of the servitude for any reason (and often did for the most minor of offenses like looking at someone funny). Again, that doesn't sound very voluntary to me.
Viking culture relied on slavery, and for quite a while made a good living off of the trade. Their victims were Russian, German, English, Scottish, Irish, and even their own people. The French operated slave trade ports out of Rouen, La Rochelle and Bordeaux aiding in the trade of both white and black slaves to the Mediterranean and Arab countries. The Egyptians were involved in slavery, and the practice was also approved in the Bible (Old Testament, Leviticus 25).
The Romans routinely engaged in slavery in all aspects of the trade. They owned them, gathered them (mainly from conquests), and trafficked them - White, Black, Arab, and every race in between.
Don't forget the pirates of the Barbary Coast! They were responsible for raiding coastal villages all over the Mediterranean, England, Scotland, France, Spain, Iceland, and some think Greenland as well. They also took slaves from sub Saharan Africa as part of that previously mentioned trade route as well. They were routinely taking white Christians and other white Europeans into slavery and selling them as a main source of profit. And just who were these Barbary pirates? Arabs from North Africa mostly. The Barbary Coast is the name given to the Mediterranean coastal areas of Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, and Libya, and it was the pirates favorite stomping ground. One of the most famous of these pirates was Barbarossa (Red Beard). His real name was Khair ad Din, and it was he who ended up making Algiers a major base of operations for the Barbary pirates. By 1805 the 'capitol' of Barbary was considered to be in Tripoli, which is the location of the first overseas military action of the United States. The Barbary pirates were wreaking havoc all over the Mediterranean, and had raided several American ships and taken many prisoners. So, the US Marines in an attempt to rescue the prisoners and put an end to the Barbary piracy attacked Tripoli - which is where the opening line of the Marine's Hymn "From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli" comes from.
So as you can see, slavery was never really about racism, it was about business - big business. Whites enslaved Whites as well as Blacks, Africans enslaved other Africans, Arabs enslaved both and just about every combination in between, and the Romans enslaved – well, damn near everybody! Again, every culture in history participated in slavery and no one ethnicity can honestly claim exclusivity to being its victim.
Ultimately, the people responsible for slavery are defined by their actions involving the business of slavery, whether it was selling them, capturing them, transporting them, or owning them. In the case of the African slave trade, Africans exploited their fellow countrymen just as much as those who came to utilize slaves, and in the name of fairness, that fact should be written right alongside the rest of the story in our history books.As I said earlier, I mean in no way to make light of the dismal treatment that Africans suffered as a result of slavery. The crimes that humans can inflict on one another never ceases to amaze me, but I think that it is extremely important for us to educate or selves about them so that maybe - just maybe - we won't repeat them. If we are going to educate ourselves though, we need to learn the whole story. Leaving selected parts out whatever the motivation merely serves to confuse and corrupt the issue.

Shirts Vs. Skins – A Recipe For Humiliation

For as long as I can remember I’ve never been much of a sports fan. I may go to an occasional baseball or hockey game now and again, but other than that I don’t pay much attention to the sports world. My wife loves this fact because she isn’t forced to give up the television 53 times a week just because the game is on.
People often ask me why I’m so apathetic when it comes to sports but I don’t really know what to tell them. Normally I say something along the lines of simply finding sports boring, or griping about all the inflated egos, salaries and ticket prices. Of course, being hijacked to the tune of $30 for a hotdog and a beer doesn’t hurt my argument any either. I guess it just depends on whom I’m talking to. Of course, any reply I give has a tendency to cause the recipient to immediately begin treating me like some kind of primate with multiple heads. They usually say things like “What kind of weirdo doesn’t like sports?” Or “You must be some kind of three-headed monkey freak if you don’t like sports!” People used to ask me if I was a communist, but in this era of political correctness calling someone a three-headed monkey freak seems to be more tolerant.
I think the biggest reason I avoid the sports world comes from my early childhood influences. As a kid while all of my friends were getting their first baseball mitts, soccer balls and footballs, I was getting pocket microscopes and build-your-own crystal radio kits. Peewee Football and Little League were about as interesting to me as ballet lessons or eating spinach might be to your average 5-year old boy. I wanted to know how the world worked and nothing - including sports - was going to distract me. Then again, the fact that I’ve always been about as athletically inclined as a cinderblock may have also played a small part.
My general disinterest in sports was furthered a little later in life when in the 6th grade I was diagnosed with one of the worst cases of hereditary acne known to mankind. I believe the medical term is Chronic Bioderma Pizzafication. Some of the other kids had a few pimples here and there, but I could have been a poster child for the entire acne products industry. I’m not kidding - my skin was so bad it looked like I was wearing a shroud over my head & chest made out of an old pepperoni pizza. I was a shy kid to begin with, but nothing drove me inward more than my extensive bout with acne – and that brings me to how this affected my interest in sports.
Every gym teacher I ever had after my acne first appeared was obsessed with dividing the class up into teams of Shirts & Skins (Shirts & Skins is male gym class code for one team, namely the Skins, removing their shirts and playing bare-chested). Now, this is great if you’re some kind of acne-free Adonis child, but to me it was a social death sentence. You have to love the psychology behind a 6th grade gym teacher in the 1970's: Take the shy quiet kid with the full-blown case of acne and make him take his shirt off displaying his grotesque disfigurement for everyone to gawk at. I think this was supposed to help me overcome my shyness and interact better with the other kids – it was either that or my childhood gym teachers simply enjoyed torturing vulnerable young zit farmers.
Announcer: “Little Bobby dribbles the ball down the court. He makes an excellent pass to Jimmy who tries to shoot. The basket is no good. These Shirts are all over Jimmy as he tries to jockey for position. Jimmy passes the ball to Scott, who passes it to – wait a minute, is that a pepperoni pizza? The pizza shoots… and the ball goes out the door and down the hallway. That’s another setback for the Skins.”
Given my under-whelming talent for sports, these types of brilliant plays on my part were usually followed with cheers of support and good sportsmanship from my classmates: “Morton, you suck!” Keep in mind that this type of terminology was perfectly acceptable in 1977, but if you attempted to “motivate” a fellow teammate using this verbal technique today you would probably find yourself being paid a visit from the self-esteem police and punished with a well deserved timeout in an adult-supervised personal reflection room (what people my age used to refer to as detention). Of course, with the way things are in schools these days kids with untreated acne probably have separate special needs gym classes where they get to play basketball covered in parkas – hoods optional.
So there you have it. One non-sports fan’s story of self-discovery into why he doesn’t enjoy wasting away countless hours of his life watching adults participate in the fine art of paid recess. In other words, sports – for the rest of us – suck.

1-800-WELCOME-TO-HELL

Another Customer Service Rant that was a result of poor treatment when it comes to telephone support:
A classic example of a recipe for disastrous customer service is the automated help line. Offered in lieu of actual human assistance, more and more companies are turning to these types of options as cost cutting measures. They reduce expenses, which equate to higher profits for owners or stockholders, and have been the formula for years in all aspects of the business world. Only recently has it begun to infiltrate the customer service industry. Automation might be great for building cars, but it simply isn’t suited to helping live people, no matter what application it is used for.
The reason that automated help options are bad news for customer service is the fact that they convey a sense of ‘processing’ to the customer instead of real assistance. As a business, if you choose to peddle this type of slop under the guise of support, then your company’s reputation will ultimately pay for that mistake. People relate to people, not to machines. And no matter how many independent studies or surveys you do to pinpoint what type of voice people identify with best, using it to sugarcoat a cheap business tactic is never going to sell to the public. It is simply a matter of bad customer service.

A customer calls the Colorful Computer Company for support on a MegaBlue computer he just bought at Super Marty’s Electronics Humong-O-Plex. The phone number was on a flyer inside the box that listed troubleshooting tips and support information for the product:

…Customer calls 1-800-COLORPC…

…Dial tone…

Voice: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support line. I’m Jenny and I’ll be your automated support specialist option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

Customer: “One”.

Jenny: “I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

Customer: “ONE”.

Jenny: “I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Goodbye.”

…Dial tone…

Customer: “What the…?”

…Redial…

Jenny: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support line. I’m Jenny and I’ll be your automated support specialist option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

…Customer presses 1 on phone…

Jenny: “Thank you. Please wait.”

…Six minute hold time complete with ‘Light Jazz’ sound track…

Voice: “Accounting, this is Tammy.”

Customer: “Accounting? I’m looking for the support line. I think the phone transferred me to the wrong department.”

Tammy: “Well, what did you press?”

Customer: “One.”

Tammy: “One? That’s the support line.”

Customer: “Yeah… That’s who I was trying to reach actually. Is there any way…”

Tammy: “How’d you get to me then sir?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not really sure, but like I was saying, could you transfer me to support or an operator maybe?”

Tammy: “Yeah, hold on…”

…Two minute hold – more light jazz…

Jenny: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support line. I’m Jenny and I’ll be your automated support specialist option. Please press or say 1 to hear your support options, or simply hang up now.”

Customer: “Oh, for the love of…”

Jenny: “I’m sorry, that is not a valid option. Please press or…”

…Customer presses 1 on his phone…

Jenny: “Hi, and welcome to the Mega computer series support and information line. Please choose from the following options:
- For support on the MegaRed, or MegaYellow series computer systems, press or say 1 now.
- For support on the UltraRed and UltraGreen series computers, press or say 2 now.
- For all other models, press or say 3 now.”

…Customer presses 3 on his phone…

Jenny: “Please choose from the following options:
- For the Learning-Pro Childhood series Jr. Executive Play PC, press or say 1 now.
- For the Babysitter 8X Kidmaster Audio-Video car seat, press or say 2 now.
- For information about the ongoing litigation involving carpal tunnel syndrome or repetitive motion injuries to the hands due to prolonged exposure to the Turbo-Passifier64 Backseat Game Console, please press or say 3 now.
- To return to the main menu, press star.

Customer: “What the…? Where’s the option for the MegaBlue series computer?”

Jenny: “I’m sorry. That is not a valid option.”

…Dial tone…

Customer: “Awe, what the HELL? What do you… what the HELL?”

…Redial…

Jenny: “Hi, and thank you for calling the Colorful Computer support…”

…Customer presses 0 on phone in hopes of raising an operator…

Voice: “Colorful Computers, How may I direct your call?

Customer: “Yes, thank god I reached a human being! I’m trying to get support for the MegaBlue PC I just bought, and there’s no option for it on the help line. Is there someone I can speak to about the MegaBlue series?”

Voice: “Did you say that was a MegaBlue series PC?”

Customer: “Yes ma’am.”

Voice: “Just a minute, sir. Let me see who handles that department.”

…One minute and 8,000 keystrokes on the operator’s keyboard later…

Voice: “Just one moment sir.”

… Three more minutes on hold as the light jazz plays on…

Voice: “Customer Service, this is Janice.”

Customer: “Hi Janice, I’m looking for support for a MegaBlue series PC and I was unable to find an option for it on the automated support line. Are you the person I need to speak to?”

Janice: “Whoa! How’d you get to me?”

Customer: “Oh geez, you aren’t going to tell me that this isn’t the MegaBlue support line, are you?”

Janice: “ Well, I’m afraid it isn’t, but could you tell me where you purchased your MegaBlue sir? Maybe I can help you from there.”

Customer: “It’s a MegaBlue series that I bought at Super Marty’s Electronics Humong-O-Plex.”

Janice: “Okay, let’s take a look at… Oh, I see. We don’t actually support that model sir. You’re going to want to contact the reseller and get support from them.”

Customer: “But the sheet inside the box said to call this number for support. They didn’t say anything at Super Marty’s about support.”

Janice: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s an OEM computer system and we don’t support it. That’s up to the vendor. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Have you got a shotgun?”

Janice: “I’m sorry, what was that, sir?

Customer: “Nothing. Never mind. I’ll call Super Marty’s. Thank you for your help.”

Janice: “Thank you. And thank you for purchasing a Colorful Computer product!”

…Customer calls 1-800-SPANKN-DEAL…

Voice: “Thank you for calling Super Marty’s. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Yes I need support for the MegaBlue series computer I just bought from you guys.”

Voice: “Can you hold please?”

…Eleven minutes of generic ‘Mood’ music later…

Voice: “Thank you for calling the computer support division. This is Rick, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi Rick, I just bought a MegaBlue series computer system from you guys and I’m having some trouble with it.”

Rick: “The MegaBlue series… is that a laptop?”

Customer: “No, it’s a desktop system. The MegaBlue series…”

Rick: “I don’t see that one on the list. Hmm. Can you hold please sir? Let me check something…”

…One and a half minutes of mood music hell on hold…

Rick: “I’ve got good news for you sir. We don’t actually support the MegaBlue series, but I did find the number for the manufacturer’s support line for you. Have you got a pen?”

Customer: Gee, let me guess Rick, is it 1-800-COLORPC?”

Rick: “Yes sir! You got it. Now, is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, you could remind my dumb ass never to shop at your crappy store ever again!”

…Click…

The saddest part about this whole call is that, if the customer had actually spoken to a human service agent in the beginning, all of this hassle could have been avoided -- proof-positive that cutting costs at the expense of the customer and trying to pass it off as ‘convenience’ is nothing more than a slap in the face to the people who made your business what it is.

Caveat Emptor.

Use Your Turn Signals

This Article was printed in the Arizona Republic as a 'Your Turn' column dated 8/30/01. It was a rant designed to get the attention of the less-than-average driver on our Arizona freeways...

This one goes out to all you drivers here in the Phoenix metro area. It concerns the use of turn signals or more to the point, a lack of their use.
Every car that is manufactured in this country (and those from every other automobile producing country on this planet) comes with indicator lights on all four corners of the vehicle at the very least. A small unobtrusive lever conveniently located to the side of every steering wheel activates these indicator lights. When the driver's hands are placed properly on the wheel, this lever requires little more than a slight movement of a few fingers to initiate this invaluable safety feature.
One of the responsibilities that accompany the privilege of driving a car is to use these indicators for the sole purpose of informing other drivers of your intentions ‑ a simple matter of safety. Letting other drivers know what you plan to do before you do it is part of what makes the difference between a safe, courteous driver and a dangerous, inconsiderate one.
Every day as I drive the 101 to and from work, I witness the majority of drivers changing lanes and exiting/entering the freeway without using their turn signals. I don't know how many times I have activated my turn signal, checked my blind spot and begun to initiate a lane change only to have some moron leap from their lane and thrust themselves into the spot I planned to occupy ‑ all without indicating their intentions. I, of course, end up yanking the wheel in a frantic effort to get back to the safety of my previous spot before I end up colliding with rocket‑boy (or rocket‑girl let's be fair!).
Nothing infuriates me more. These people drive as if they were the only ones on the road, and genuinely seem to care less whose lives they put in danger simply because they are too lazy, inconsiderate and self‑centered to use a turn signal. With their convenient location and simplicity to activate, one has to wonder what is so difficult about using turn signals when traffic in this area is so congested and dangerous to begin with. Not to mention the fact that the law requires you to use your turn signals regardless of whether it cramps your personal style. What, if anything, goes through the minds of these scofflaws?
Next you have to ask the inevitable question of "what about the children?" What type of example are these drivers setting for their kids? With everyone complaining all the time about the dangers that children face on a daily basis in this country, how can we justify loading them up in the car and tearing around town without any concern for their safety? I can't count the number of times that I have been unceremoniously cut off by some bat out of heck in a minivan or SUV loaded with kids who doesn't care enough about their children's safety to indicate their intentions to other drivers. Making some attempt to obey the posted speed limit and actually stopping for stop signs would be nice as well. These people should be ashamed of themselves at the very least for exhibiting such poor behavior and conducting themselves without a shred of common courtesy.
Wise up, Arizona drivers. You may not care one iota about your own safety, but if you can't take a moment to be considerate of mine ‑or that of your own children ‑ then do us all a favor and park your car, throw away the keys and take a bus.

They Screw You At The Drive-Thru

I'm still trying to figure out what it is about drive‑thru windows that have made them so popular in this country. They are designed for our convenience but the opposite is more often the reality. First of all, most people have a hard time understanding the blast of garbled speech and static from the order box speaker. It's like trying to have a conversation with someone who's on a cell phone in the middle of a tornado. And why do they insist on making those things so loud? Sometimes you pull up to an order box and the volume is set about three decibels below the level required to shatter the human skull. Is that really necessary?

Who the heck is responsible for making these things anyway? By now don't you think they would be aware of the fact that their products are total pieces of crap? And what about the fast food chains that purchase these abominations ‑ don't they realize that these things are garbage?

The following is typical of the kinds of conversations that drive‑thru order boxes inspire:

Order box: "... Pssssssffffffttpopelickpsstfft...
Customer: " Hello?"
Attendant: "Welcome to Mc ... ppssssssfiffttpopclickh isssssssscracklepffft ... your order?"
Customer: "Yes, I'll have a #3, two medium..."
Attendant: "Did you want ... ppssssssfiffttpopclickh isss ... that?
Customer: "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
Attendant: "Did ... ppssssssfffttpopclickhisss ... with that?"
Customer: "Uh, ...two medium sodas and an apple pie."
Attendant: "...cracklepffftpssssssfffttpopclick ... else?"
Customer: "Hey, could you turn that thing down? You just ripped my eye out and blew my wife out the passenger window."
Attendant: "Did ....... cracklepffftpssssssfffttpopclick .. else?"
Customer: "Just the food, my wife, my eye, and some extra napkins please."
Attendant: "Your total comes to $8 ... cracklepffft. . . "

Once the customer is done paying and gets their food, they park the car and go inside to exchange the #6, large iced tea, and the fish nuggets that they didn't order for the #3, two medium sodas, and the apple pie that they did order.

I think all fast food corporate customer service executives should be forced to sit in a room with these things barking orders at them for a week straight. Then, when they finally understand what all those pesky customers are complaining about, we might start seeing some improvements.

Second is the fact that drive‑thru employees can never seem to get your order right the first time around. This is the really annoying part. In all honesty, how difficult can it be ‑ especially when the keyboard on the register is comprised mainly of pictures? How many times have you exited the drive‑thru only to find out later that you didn't get what you ordered? Come to think of it, every person I know has been a victim of a drive-thru, yet they still go back.

Recently my wife went to the drive‑thru at a local fast food joint. For the sake of argument we'll call it a McBurger Hut. When it was my wife's turn at the speaker she was forced to repeat her order three times due to an apparent language barrier between her and the attendant. You see, my wife spoke an actual language while the attendant, sadly, did not. All my wife wanted was two Chicken & Bacon club sandwiches. Pretty simple, right?

When we opened the bag at home it was immediately apparent that we had gotten screwed once again. What they gave us was two lettuce and tomato sandwiches. No condiments, no napkins, and no receipt. How exactly does someone confuse a Chicken & Bacon club sandwich with a lettuce and tomato sandwich ‑ especially when the later isn't even on the menu? Would you accept that level of risk with a visit to the hospital or a trip to the dentist?

"I'm sorry doctor, but I came in here for my tonsils and I got an amputated left foot & a side order of Staph infection instead."

Somehow I don't think free coupons for your next surgery are going to make up for a mistake like that!

There also appears to be a limit on just how much convenience is permitted per customer at a drive‑thru. Whenever my family gets together, at some point we decide that it's easier to send a runner to a fast food joint and pick up dinner for the group then it is to cook. When you keep in mind that there are 15 people in my immediate family, it's understandable why that may seem like a good idea. The problem is trying to order 36 cheeseburgers, 15 bags of fries, a dozen apple pies and as many milkshakes at a fast food drive‑thru. It always seems to invoke the same type of response; "You're gonna have to come inside for that, Sir.'' We even tried splitting the order in half and taking two cars, but apparently 18 cheeseburgers is still too much convenience for one vehicle. The drive-thru is supposed to afford a "convenient outlet for families on the run," but I guess that doesn't apply to families that are bigger than most major league baseball teams. Maybe I should sue on the grounds of 'convenience discrimination' with victory resulting in kinder treatment at the drive‑thru for roving bands of Irish Catholics in minivans. Don't laugh too hard ‑someone will do it eventually.

Leave The Kids At Home

This article was originally written several years ago for a book idea I was working on called “People Suck”. One of these days I’ll get to finishing it, but I thought that this was a good one for this forum. What you are about to read was actually the second part of a two-part examination of places where adults should never take their kids.

- Enjoy

Although the setting may not pose any unusual risk to small children, good restaurants are still no place for them. For the most part, fast food restaurants and other eateries that come equipped with giant glass play tanks are fine for kids, but why do people insist on bringing them into more upscale restaurants? When I was a child my parents never took me or my brothers and sisters out to any place nicer than a local burger joint until we were old enough to behave ourselves in public. They had manners – and insisted that their children (all nine of us) display them as well. When I was around 8 years old my parents took us out to McDonalds - as they had done a hundred times before - and as we sat and ate adults would come up to us every so often and remark to Mom and Dad on how well behaved we all were. This happened just about every time we went out as a group, but I think that day was the first time I realized what it really meant. This was the standard my family was raised on and I still consider important to this day. With regular conversation aside, I would never dream of doing anything to disturb other diners, but I guess those days are just about over.
These days, every once and a while my wife and I will decide that we’ve earned a night on the town and make plans to go out to eat. After taking the time to dress for the occasion (another seemingly lost art), we will head out to one of the area’s nicer restaurants for a good meal and a relaxed time. Well, whenever we do this it seems like there’s some curse that descends on us like rain. No sooner are we seated and order a drink when the Maitre d’ rounds the corner with a booster chair or highchair(s) in tow. We watch in horror as they head right for the table closest to ours, and sure enough, set up this child accommodation device just inches from us. It doesn’t matter if the restaurant is completely empty; they still seat the group with the kiddies right next to us - every single time.
After a few minutes of us looking at each other with that ‘why the hell does this always happen to us?’ expression on our faces, they show up. Pushing a big-ass stroller (pathetically styled like it’s supposed to be a 4x4 heavy duty off-road Monster Pram – complete with knobby tires and mag wheels) loaded to the gills with every type of baby accessory known to man: Diaper bags, car seats, a portable changing table, a sack full of toys, another bag full of bottles, formula, and baby food, all topped off with a 3-year-old brother who couldn’t sit still if he were duct-taped to a tree.
Our entire evening is normally ruined before these people even touch their seats. It takes about two seconds for the nightmare to commence:

As Mom, Dad, 3-year-old Christopher, and baby Ashley get settled into their table…

Mom: “Christopher, put that down. No Christopher, Mommy said not to touch that. Christopher, don’t touch your sister. Honey, would you please put Christopher in his booster chair while I get the baby’s food ready?”

Dad: “Christopher, what did I tell you about that? No! Don’t touch the saltshaker. Christopher, get in your seat…”

Christopher is now running laps around his table, bouncing off the back of my chair each time he passes…

Christopher: “AAAAHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEE! Ha, he, he AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Mom: “Shhhhhh!”

Dad: “SSShhhhhhhhh!” Christopher, come here. Come here Christopher…”

Christopher: “No! Ha, he he AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

Mom: “Shhhhhh!”

Dad: “SSShhhhhhhhh!” Christopher, come here. Chris-to-pher…”

As I get up and retrieve my eardrum from its landing place on the other side of the restaurant, Christopher slips and falls head-first onto the rung of my chair and immediately begins to scream and cry.

Mom: “Honey, I told you to put him…”

Dad: “Christopher, get over here! Right now.”

This crap continues while they wait for their food. Christopher is placated only briefly when the server brings him a few crayons and a color-by-numbers placemat, which Christopher promptly throws on the floor and begins drawing on the table instead. Mom and Dad ignore this fact, letting Christopher do whatever he pleases. The baby spends half the time crying while mom feeds her some foul-smelling orange concoction that she pulled from one of her saddlebags. As all this goes on, Dad preoccupies himself by staring at the waitress’s tush. The perfect family unit.
When they do finally get their food, things only get worse. Christopher doesn’t want to eat what his mother ordered, and dad yells at him about it as he cuts the little holy terror’s food. Mom continuously nitpicks at Dad over what Christopher is doing as she hovers over little baby Ashley (who’s diaper is getting rather ripe and starting to stink up the place). Christopher starts whining louder and louder over his dinner (most of which is now on the floor under and around the table), so Dad lets him get down out of his chair. The second Christopher’s feet touch the floor, he’s off running up and down the isle – bumping into waiters, waitresses, other patrons & their chairs, and basically being a total pain in everyone’s butt.
Once these people have completely destroyed any hope that my wife and I may have of an enjoyable evening, as well as robbing everyone else in the place of the same pleasure, they pack up their stroller, lock the hubs, slip that thing into 4-wheel low and head on down the trail.
When they’re gone and the dust has settled, their table and the immediate surrounding area look like an F-5 tornado has just blown through the place. There’s food all over the floor, table and chairs. Wrappers, napkins and straws are strewn everywhere, and there is more salt and pepper on the table than in the shakers. Sitting right in the middle of the mess - soaked in Christopher’s spilled soda – is a dollar bill and some change – a ‘tip’ left merely in an academic sense.
Why is it that people think behavior like this is acceptable? They take other people’s quiet or romantic evenings and turn them into a picnic in the monkey house at the zoo. When somebody with young children comes into a decent ‘white tablecloth’ establishment and smears them selves all over everyone else’s dining experience, I think they should be taken out into the parking lot and publicly flogged. People who are spending hard-earned money on a nice place to eat shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of crap for any reason. Until restaurants start offering ‘No Children’ sections, if you want to take your kids out to eat, go to Chuck E. Cheese and let the rest of us enjoy our meals in peace.

Multicultural Nonsense

One of the real stinkers forced on us by the PC world is what some have termed the "cult of multiculturalism". I'm talking about the whole 'celebrate diversity' movement that’s been infesting society in recent years. The whole platform is nothing but another way for PC morons to blame Whitey for the woes of the world. Whenever I hear people spouting this one the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my heart rate slowly starts to rise.
When I was a kid I used to hear people refer to America as "the melting pot" all the time. It was described to us by our teachers, my dad used to explain it from time to time, and I used to hear it in movies and on television. What they were talking about was that fact that one of the things that makes America a great country is the fact that our society is made up of people from all walks of life. If you looked across this country you would eventually find someone who is either from, or has ancestry originating from nearly every country in the world. It is our very soul as a nation and arguably one of the single most important ingredients of our success. It’s like the best vegetable soup you've ever had in your life, but if you take away just one ingredient, the whole flavor changes and the soup no longer as good. We are who we are because of the diversity of our people, and ultimately, it is the joining together and cooperation as individuals that create the whole. Like every other country has done in the history of mankind, we have strived to form our national identity and put our best foot forward in the world.
I grew up being proud to be an American. For whatever reason I knew from an early age that something was different about my country. I was aware that I had it better than most when it came to things like quality of life and the incredible opportunities that were open before me. I didn't come from a wealthy family, I didn't go to an Ivy League college or belong to a country club, but I knew that with drive and determination I could accomplish anything. I joined the United States Air Force and served my country for many reasons, but chief among them was a wanting to give something back to the country of my birth for all that it has afforded me. The biggest asset to my 6 years in the military was travel, which gave me the chance to visit more than eleven countries, and experienced many diverse cultures around the world. It was like a huge classroom where I learned more about my fellow man than most people ever will, but more importantly, I gained even more respect for my own country.
As I said earlier I am proud to be an American. The home countries of my ancestors are important to me, as is their history, but I was born in the United States - which makes me an American. My heritage means a lot and I am proud of it, but at the end of the day my loyalties lie with the country of my birth, just as I would imagine my ancestors were proud of theirs. This is what kills me whenever I see people self-segregating themselves into hyphenated Americans. As I mentioned, my ancestors came here from Ireland so some would classify me as an Irish-American, which is a concept that I personally refuse to conform to. I was born in America - therefore I am an American. I may be an American of Irish decent, but I am an American by birth. When I hear people referring to themselves as African-Americans, Asian-Americans, Mexican-Americans, etc. it tells me that they are more proud of the heritage of their ancestors than that of their own country, and personally, I find that offensive.
This is where the celebrate diversity crap comes into play. This movement, as its parent Political Correctness did before it, has infiltrated both government and corporate culture all over the country. The basic idea is that each and every person should be singled out for their individual cultural heritage and then the rest of us are required to celebrate it. I'm not sure how exactly we are supposed to 'celebrate' as I have yet to get that memo, but I'm sure it has something to do eating turkey, exchanging presents, and/or hiding various incarnations of avian embryonic casings under the living room sofa. Its not that I have anything against people being knowledgeable and/or proud of their heritage or anything, I just don't like being forced or coerced into "celebrating" along with them. I wouldn't expect anyone else to be proud of my heritage any more than I would expect them to be proud of oh, my mulch pile, so why should I be expected to be proud of theirs?
Another reason for my total disdain for this bulls**t is because it's selective, exclusive, arrogant, and pathetically pretentious. You see, whenever I'm asked to provide my ethnic information on paperwork my choices are limited to White or Caucasian. Now, the last time I checked, white is a color - not an ethnicity. I also can't seem to find any place called Whiteland, Whiteistan, United Republic of Whiteness, or any other combination that would denote 'white' as an ethnic origin on any map. As for Caucasian, that is a generalized reference to the Caucuses, which was basically the area from southern Russia south to Turkey. Now the last time I checked Ireland doesn't remotely fit that description, so I can't be a Caucasian either.
The point I'm trying to make here is that in the middle of this multicultural fever, people like me are all wrapped up into one simple package, stripping us of our cultural histories, ethnic backgrounds, or anything else that might truly identify our roots. Its as if we have no right to our identities or cultural origins and are just thrown into a bin labeled 'White', and all the while we are expected - or demanded to "celebrate" everyone else's 'diversity'.
People are quick to blame the White race with conquering the whole world, but the truth of the matter is that war, conquests, genocide, slavery, and a host of other atrocities have taken place throughout all of Human history. Lumping together a wide range of individual cultures - each unique and special in their own right - under one identity with the goal of hanging the blame on them for every bit of 'bad history' is not only unfair, but in my opinion, a rather racist and insensitive thing to do.

Mind Control

What I have noticed over the last twenty or so years of my life has been a creeping into our society of a very invasive trend know as 'Political Correctness'. "PC", as it is commonly referred to, is a very dangerous thing to unleash on a society that both prides itself and exists on ideas like freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and other basic inalienable rights. If you ask me, the whole PC movement is a quietly disguised way of sewing the seeds of communism into the very fabric of our society.
Now, before you go all off and get your panties in a bunch, I didn't say that anyone is a communist! What I am more or less implying is that trying to get everyone to think the same way, conform to the same ideas, and speak the same is merely a means of paving the way for something like the idea of communism. America was founded on individual freedoms, and any attempt to limit, regulate, or control individual thought is so against the American grain that still keeps me up at night wondering how it ever got started in the first place.
When I first encountered the beginnings of the PC tidal wave, it was presented in the form of jokes. Back in the day when email was just getting started in the mainstream workplace and people started emailing jokes to their circle of contacts, one theme that came up over and over again was Political Correctness. Then after a while, it was increasingly becoming commonplace for people to start correcting the speech of others in lunch rooms, or at the water cooler by stating that something they said wasn't "politically correct". Once it went from being a joke to the point where people were actually adopting it into their daily lives everything changed. It was the birth of the ‘Thought Police’ and would end up taking over nearly every public venue it came in contact with. Come to think of it - it was during the Clinton administration that PC became popular, and seemed to mirror the whole "apologize to everyone for everything" mantra that permeates the Democratic Party to this day. I also firmly believe that PC is being used and manipulated in an effort to hold "White" people accountable for everything that's wrong with the world these days. It is this aspect of the PC movement that angers and irritates me more than anything else - especially given the fact that those in the PC world claim that its goal is to prevent people from being offended by so-called insensitive or offensive language and ideas. Think I'm making this up? Then how do you explain the existence of television channels like BET (Black Entertainment Television) and Black Starz (a member of the Starz movie channel family)? Do you honestly believe that it would even be possible for someone to launch a television channel called WET (White Entertainment Television) in America today? We all know damn well that if someone ever tried it would immediately be designated as racist, insensitive, offensive, and just plain appalling. Don't get me wrong here - I personally have no problem with these television channels, and I am not a white supremacist or a member of the KKK or anything, I'm merely pointing out an absolutely indisputable truth regarding the ridiculous notion of Political Correctness.Bottom line? Political Correctness is nothing but a bunch of bullshit, and should never be adopted as a standard for anything or any purpose. Anyone who ever tells you that something you said is wrong because it violates some PC rule should be told to shut the hell up and immediately ordered to the nearest copy of the Bill of Rights so they can familiarize themselves with the 1st Amendment - you know, the one that guarantees each of us the right to free speech?